LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!