Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers