I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
You Might Also Like
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I’ve had relationships like this
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird