Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WritePlay's best tweets

@WritePlay : AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?! ME: Yeah, it's- AMAZON: You might want THIS watch! ME: No I already- AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

@WritePlay: *Last week on "Models Who Weren't Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears"*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

@WritePlay: PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn't it be -

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@WritePlay: My family tried an "Unplugged Evening", and that's how we accidentally killed Nana

@WritePlay: *dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It's like he just knew there was danger

@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I -
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

@WritePlay: this one has claws

This one swims but can't fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

- god making birds

@WritePlay: T-REX: So you going to Tim's surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@WritePlay: ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it's a blood draw please stop saying that

@WritePlay: TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it