Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.