The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.