sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Hard not to take this personally
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Warm pools make me nervous.