On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Put my back out twerking in the library again
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.