Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I am crying
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”