I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
me linking you to my twitter
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”