My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.