Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Xoolun's best tweets

@Xoolun : I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

@Xoolun: My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

@Xoolun: My GFs family are religious which sux

1st time I stayed there her dad wouldnt let us sleep together

Was a shame cuz he was very attractive

@Xoolun: When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

@Xoolun: Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@Xoolun: Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.

@Xoolun: I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I've got Norton but.

@Xoolun: I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

@Xoolun: My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

@Xoolun: Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.