@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You're potty trained now. You didn't get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: No matter what you do in life, I'll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
@XplodingUnicorn: My toddler took her toy phone and hit me in the head with it.
It was still less painful than a real phone call.
@XplodingUnicorn: The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt.
It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Don't tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I'll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*