Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : 5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing? Me: Pay the bills. 5: Are you winning? Me: No.

@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: What's your favorite color?

Me: I don't know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she's being R2-D2.

@XplodingUnicorn: [playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

@XplodingUnicorn: I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don't know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@XplodingUnicorn: [church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@XplodingUnicorn: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters.

She'll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I'll handle zombies.

@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.