@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You're afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
@XplodingUnicorn: [middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Me: But she couldn't. It was HOGwarts
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can't get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
@XplodingUnicorn: My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can't wait till they pop the balloon & find out they're having a kraken
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
@XplodingUnicorn: The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: "Frozen" is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I played this as a kid. It's from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I'm a plumber
@XplodingUnicorn: 6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can't have babies
6: How do you know she doesn't want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch