@XplodingUnicorn: What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I'll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who's coming over?
Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She's holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that's my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
@XplodingUnicorn: [in someone else's master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That's what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
I moved the damn towel.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I'm going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can't. It's Lent.
Me: The kids aren't in the car.
Wife: I said it for me.