Funny Tweeter

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Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet. Me: That's what happens when she puts them on herself. Wife: I watched you dress her.

@XplodingUnicorn: [lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

@XplodingUnicorn: My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I'm going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can't. It's Lent.

@XplodingUnicorn: [driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren't in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.

@XplodingUnicorn: *stands on scale at doctor's office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: School is delayed. There's too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

@XplodingUnicorn: My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I've never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don't.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You're not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*