@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: What's your favorite color?
Me: I don't know.
7: I thought you went to college.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she's being R2-D2.
@XplodingUnicorn: [playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
@XplodingUnicorn: I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don't know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters.
She'll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I'll handle zombies.
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.