Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : My love for my kids is like my data plan: Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You're afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

@XplodingUnicorn: [middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig


Me: But she couldn't. It was HOGwarts

@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can't get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

@XplodingUnicorn: My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can't wait till they pop the balloon & find out they're having a kraken

@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

@XplodingUnicorn: The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: "Frozen" is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I played this as a kid. It's from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I'm a plumber

@XplodingUnicorn: 6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can't have babies

6: How do you know she doesn't want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch