Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : Wife: We need a new fridge. Me: This is a terrible day. Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge. Me: This is the best day of my life.

@XplodingUnicorn: What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I'll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who's coming over?

Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She's holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that's my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

@XplodingUnicorn: [in someone else's master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That's what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

@XplodingUnicorn: [lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

@XplodingUnicorn: My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I'm going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can't. It's Lent.

@XplodingUnicorn: [driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren't in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.