Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : Me: You're not like other girls. 3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You're potty trained now. You didn't get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: No matter what you do in life, I'll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

@XplodingUnicorn: My toddler took her toy phone and hit me in the head with it.

It was still less painful than a real phone call.

@XplodingUnicorn: The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt.

It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can't find me.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Don't tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I'll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*