I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?