If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.