carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones