Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?