It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
You Might Also Like
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Yup….perfect score!
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.