Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.