I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
There is no try. There is only give up.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.