Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.