Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : [being murdered by neighbor] *I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

@Ygrene: Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@Ygrene: Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don't know how to read this

@Ygrene: Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren't left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

@Ygrene: Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that's really not an impressive number of things to know

@Ygrene: [Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@Ygrene: "Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?"

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

@Ygrene: [wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

@Ygrene: [cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@Ygrene: The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring