Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat [an eagle shrieks in the distance]

@Ygrene: The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

@Ygrene: [interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

@Ygrene: yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

@Ygrene: Dad: (tears in eyes) you're going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

@Ygrene: [me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

@Ygrene: Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

@Ygrene: [Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

@Ygrene: Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

@Ygrene: [being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you're really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]