Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : Me: can I get a Coke please Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here Me: how about a lemonade then Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here [cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

@Ygrene: In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

@Ygrene: [safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

@Ygrene: [my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@Ygrene: Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@Ygrene: [being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@Ygrene: [being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

@Ygrene: Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

@Ygrene: Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

@Ygrene: What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly