Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : [Applebee's Manager Application] 1. Are you a good people leader 2. Can you manage a P&L 3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili's Manager

@Ygrene: [first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@Ygrene: [sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

@Ygrene: Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

@Ygrene: [McDonald's drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

@Ygrene: [squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@Ygrene: [being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

@Ygrene: [an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@Ygrene: [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@Ygrene: Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on