My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”