In Canada they just call them geese
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Huge, if true.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.