I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*