When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
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I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh