I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”