So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.