The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If only.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,