The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
#math
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists