Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.