My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
How is it still this week?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No