Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.