I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.