My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Breaking news:
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion