Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.