Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.