[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it