All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.