People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Whoa 😂
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”