Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
#catsoftwitter
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”