Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?