@_ElvishPresley_: Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
@_ElvishPresley_: detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let's go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
@_ElvishPresley_: what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
@_ElvishPresley_: judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
@_ElvishPresley_: [face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
@_ElvishPresley_: Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
@_ElvishPresley_: A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
@_ElvishPresley_: [painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
@_ElvishPresley_: [googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders"]