Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _ElvishPresley_'s best tweets

@_ElvishPresley_ : [dog dies in a movie] Me: *crying* [human dies in a movie] Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

@_ElvishPresley_: Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

@_ElvishPresley_: detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let's go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

@_ElvishPresley_: what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

@_ElvishPresley_: judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

@_ElvishPresley_: [face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

@_ElvishPresley_: Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@_ElvishPresley_: A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

@_ElvishPresley_: [painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

@_ElvishPresley_: [googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders"]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf