Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _ElvishPresley_'s best tweets

@_ElvishPresley_ : IT guy: what seems to be the problem me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

@_ElvishPresley_: detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

@_ElvishPresley_: Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@_ElvishPresley_: coworker: what're u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi--

me: matthew u never call

@_ElvishPresley_: cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you're saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don't get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

@_ElvishPresley_: Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@_ElvishPresley_: [dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

@_ElvishPresley_: Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

@_ElvishPresley_: detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let's go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

@_ElvishPresley_: what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off