Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _ElvishPresley_'s best tweets

@_ElvishPresley_ : If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@_ElvishPresley_: [face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

@_ElvishPresley_: A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

@_ElvishPresley_: [riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

@_ElvishPresley_: [MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

@_ElvishPresley_: ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

@_ElvishPresley_: ME: if you're really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat--

ME: nope 67

@_ElvishPresley_: *standing in front of my girlfriend's house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

@_ElvishPresley_: What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

@_ElvishPresley_: Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it