Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _ElvishPresley_'s best tweets

@_ElvishPresley_ : Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet Him: Don't you mean chick magn- *sounds of distant bawk-bawking* Me: We have to go NOW

@_ElvishPresley_: I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I'm a fan.

@_ElvishPresley_: whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
"Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!"

@_ElvishPresley_: Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

@_ElvishPresley_: Alfred: I've completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That's great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

@_ElvishPresley_: [kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

@_ElvishPresley_: My friends describe me as "I'm sorry, he's not usually like this."

@_ElvishPresley_: *reads list of assassin targets*

"Eggs, milk...what the-"

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

@_ElvishPresley_: [commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

@_ElvishPresley_: SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how'd u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*