@_ElvishPresley_: [face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
@_ElvishPresley_: A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
@_ElvishPresley_: [riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
@_ElvishPresley_: [MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
@_ElvishPresley_: ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
@_ElvishPresley_: ME: if you're really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets
PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat--
ME: nope 67
@_ElvishPresley_: *standing in front of my girlfriend's house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
@_ElvishPresley_: What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
@_ElvishPresley_: Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it