[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??