Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999