WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
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Santa saw your nudes and heâs getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Kid: Thereâs a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hellâŚ
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
âDude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?â
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depressionâ
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee itđđđ
I just yelled âWAKE UP,â to which my 4 year old responded âWHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,â so no one question my parenting ever again.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Ericâs family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that âUncle Joeâ was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and mooâs*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]