Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.