Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
You Might Also Like
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all