Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
no regrets
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway