Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
two people or more is called a problem
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.