Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.